Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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