turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
