I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
