your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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