Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
