You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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