The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
