if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
