I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
