I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
