he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I look better un-naked...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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