I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize