there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
