I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
