My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
