I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
