I wannas sexs uuuuu
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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