So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
