Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
