i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
