I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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