Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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