She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
