I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
