I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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