I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize