You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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