I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
