i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
