If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
