I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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