Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
