please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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