my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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