Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
