Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
