i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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