I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who died my cat blue again?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
