I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
