Umm I'm too high to move.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
