I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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