sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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