its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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