At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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