I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
