My cat gives me a boner
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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