1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
