I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
