i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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