Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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