I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
