I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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