On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just high enough for therapy.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
