Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
