i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
