I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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