new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
