First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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