oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize