Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
