Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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