Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
