Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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