You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
